I’ve been trying to figure out how to put into words what has been happening in my heart for the last 73 days since our baby boy arrived. During my pregnancy I told him, myself, and anyone who asked when I was due, that he would arrive early. He would come before my due date just like Ethan did–and we would be ready. And we were. We got ready and then we waited weeks beyond what I had expected. Even beyond his due date. We waited while he continued growing and planning his entrance on his terms, his timing. Early on in my pregnancy, we told Ethan he would be here for Halloween. More as a marker in time for a 4 year old to understand, rather than a hard date. But baby Rowan ran with the idea. He decided to be a jokester and keep us up all night on October 30, 2011 and then make his arrival on Halloween morning.
To say I’ve been falling in love with our baby boy seems an inadequate description of the emotion that has risen up and expanded through my chest countless times since I first held him.
And the first time hearing his wailing cry. That first cry that tells you he is healthy and vibrant.
And seeing moments when baby and Daddy first met caught on camera. The moments I missed during the medical chaos that ensues after labor. Moments captured by an amazing auntie who stayed up all night and joined us for the delivery to joyfully welcome him.
One fleeting moment consisting of one smile that speaks a thousand words.
And the first time we held him together and both breathed a sigh of relief that, at last, he is here and he is perfectly ours.
The daily moments that catch my breath now are more routine and repetitive but still slay me to the core with their simplicity. Simple joy. Mostly coming in the forms of peaceful sleeping and smiles.
Watching my children sleep has always made me feel like I’ve been swept away for a moment into a new world. A world without fear, hurt, loss, or pain. A world where peace exists simply. Without effort.
And the smiles. At first we had to watch carefully while he slept to catch one. Now he doses them out daily. And each one is like a little gift packaged perfectly in crisp wrapping paper and a shimmering bow. Smiles that say he is happy to be here and happy that we’re here with him. Each one humbles me and holds my heart captive in his grip for a moment. Every smile, every time.
So to say I’ve been falling in love with this baby boy for the past 73 days is the best I can come up with in words to sum up my hearts emotions. Or maybe it’s more like I’ve fallen in love a thousand times over. I’m fully aware that I’m gushing. And he is so worth it.